


Blessed are they who stand before the corrupt...

by orphan_account



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Ex-Templar, F/M, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Kinloch Hold, Kirkwall (Dragon Age), Lyrium Addiction, Lyrium Withdrawal, Mage-Templar War, Mages and Templars, Nightmares, Past Abuse, Past Torture, Past Violence, Rite of Tranquility
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-03 16:41:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10971228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: He is trying be better man. He left the order, swore himself to the Inqusition case.She remember the man he was before, and people like him don't change.*probably there will be no continue*





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Blessed are they who stand before  
> The corrupt and the wicked and do not falter.  
> Blessed are the peacekeepers, the champions of the just.
> 
> -Benedictions 4:10

She was from the Hossberg Circle, transfered to Kirkwall few months ago. She heard the rumors about injustice of this Circle, that here mages are nothing, and templars have too much power, but She didn't want judge before she saw this on her own eyes. Also, she thought that she is untouchable - senior enchanter, her harrowing was using like example. She was libertarian, but not fighting much one. No templar should do any harm her, right? Ohh.. she was so wrong. So idealistic.

Erin heard about mage underground when one of the apostates contact with her, to bring her news, that Meredith don't like her presence in HER Circle. She looked at him not convinced. He looks even so rebelious. Coat with feather pads, she even saw the tevinter medalion on his chest. Rebel for being rebel, with no real case. She doubt that here can be so bad. Nobody will harm her, unless she give them reason. Blond hair apostate tried to convince her, but he didn't have many time. Being in the Gallows was big dangerous for him. He didn't make her run away from the circle, only called her idealist, like that was something bad, told her that she will gonna regret this.

She regret it now.

Erin was woke up in the middle of the night by the Templars, without even clarification they take her to the main hall. She felt how some templar put quickly the lyrium chains and handcuff on her wrist. She tried to escape, to run away. But now, it was to late for that. She was powerless, couldn't defend herself. She charged down like captured beast, trying to free herself. 

\- Where are you taking me? - she said. 

But silence was her only response. She was transported to the Harrowing Room? She guess that. It was similar like this in Hossberg. She know what else templar are doing in rooms like this. _No, no, no, no no..._

\- This is against the law! - Erin cried, looking at the templar's back. 

\- You don't have any rights blood mage. - she heard the answer said by strong female voice. 

The Meredith turn to Erin, and look at her with disgust. Like she was some kind of monster, that should be eliminated. Erin was trying to escape. She knew that was pointless, but she had to try. 

\- I'm not blood mage! - she answered and trying to cast some spell, but the lyrium handcuffs blocked her magic. 

Erin looked and the other templars in this room, there was two templars holding her, Meredith and somebody was standing in the shadow. Watching this from the distance, like somekind fucking act. _I pass my harrowing many years ago, they can't just make me tranquil. Or... can they? You are the one in the chains._ She looked and the templar in the corner, looking for some help. Little light of rightous in this madness. 

\- After that night, you will be no harm to nobody. - The knight-commander announced with pround in her voice. 

Erin looked at her, and started kick up a fuss. Hoping that somebody will help her. S _omebody was trying to help you Erin, that blond mage few days ago. And you just ingnored his words. You could run away that time._

\- Please, help me... I'm innocent, I'm no blood mage. - Erin said to the templar in the corner. 

\- Rutherford, help hold her. I'm perfoming the ritual. - Meredith said to him as well. 

He come to the light, Erin saw him before, in the Gallows, Meredith second-in-command. Cullen come to Erin. She looked at him with some hope, but that dissapeared as she saw the same disgust in his eyes like Meredith had. He put his hands on her shoulders, and pulled her on the ground. He hold her tight, taking her last hope of escaping. 

\- Be cursed Rutherford! - this was her last words with some emotions.  


She wondered if somebody in this room saw this as not right. But that didn't matter in fact.

Next... was only silence in her mind. 

No feelings, nothing. Just empty husk. 


	2. Memories from white city of chains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He is trying to forget.  
> She is here to make sure he won't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a lowly refugee, your champion arrived  
> Brown shores of Ferelden fade to Kirkwall's buzzing hive  
> Rose above the poverty and rose above the pain  
> My friend became the saviour of the white city of chains
> 
> \- Miracle Of Sound - Age of the Dragon

Commander of the Inqusition Forces. Fancy title, isn't it?

He left the Templar's Order, he is trying to leave past where is it place. In the past. Cut himself from that life. Begin something new. New purpose, new life. Sound nice, but reality is more complicated. Lyrium addiction, nightmares... that don't want leave him. Every day, every night he must face with his past. Kinloch Hold, Kirkwall. Where he comes, something bad happen. He has hope that Inqusition will be diffrent. It is not easy, but he was determinated to achieve success.

They moved to Skyhold week ago, there is still many work to do, so his mind was always taken by something. They have new trebuchets that needs calibrating, they must bulid hardened road to Skyhold to make easier journey to Skyhold to refugees, caravans, diplomats and everyone. Finally, Inqustition have something defensible, He will not allow the events from Haven happen again. He feels like he failed there. He is resposible for the safety of this people. Safety of the Inqusitor, he almost die there. He have to do more, be better in his work. There was no place for any weakness, any mistakes. Cullen was sitting in his office, and reading report from Leliana's scouts about the area around the fortress. His mind wandered for while. He started thinking about all mistakes that He made through his life. How he allowed anger to blind him, how he saw mages that time. 

_ They are not like you and me. They are weapons. _

Now, when he is thinking about that he feels shame about that person, he was before. He blamed the all mages for that what happend to him in Ferelden. He has no doubts, when Meredith point the random mage, and said that She is blood mage, and she have to be neutralized. He remember her face, She begged him to help her. He knew in deep of his heart, that she is innocent, there was no proof that she is maleficarum. There was only Meredith's against mage's word. Her face was so terrified, She knew that there is no escape, no salvation. How was her name? He don't remember that. Back in Kirkwall, she was only another mage accused, by Meredith, to practise blood magic, nobody more. He didn't even check her name, she was new in the Circle, she came from Anderfels. He remember her strong, ander accent, when she cried.  


_ Be cursed Rutherford! _

Later events, falling of the Kirkwall Circle, opened his eyes on truth. Templars was guilty this as well as mages. Many people blamed one side or another, but this was not truth. Templars and Mages make this. Templars treat them like monsters, so many of them became them. Anders. He remembered, when is eyes and skin started glow white and blue light, and his voice become much deeper, like from the Fade. He was standing there, with Meredith and Orsino, when Anders blow up the chantry. This was not normal magic... he feels chills when he thinks about it, parts of that bulding destroys half city, and dust fall even in Starkhaven. Magic was dangerous, but on the other hand, there was Hawke. She was trying do good in this madness. Even when her beloved Anders show all people, why mages should be feared, she forgive him, she stand with him, to defend the mages, against Meredith craziness. Is love stronger than humans death? She should be ruler of Kirkwall after the vicount dead. Maybe all of this wouldn't happened.  


_Is somebody ever forgive him his actions?_

He shakes his head. Backing to the reality. To the report. He should stop thinking about the past, he don't change anything now. Knocking on the door. Cullen expected raport from group of soilders, who were send by Inqusitor to ruins of Haven. 

\- Enter. - he said without delay. 

Cullen raised his head, when somebody entered into his office. He looked at her... and he was in shock. It was her. He could never forget her face, that haunted him. Tranquil from Kirkwall. Beautiful woman, with long black curly hair. Her skin was pale, as was in Kirkwall. But now, on her forehead was tattoo of Chantry's Sun. He have never seen this tattoo on her head it was made after ritual, and later she was transfered somewhere else, so Cullen didn't see her after that. Her face is not in fear now, there is nothing. He swallow, and then fiugure out that he is staring at her. 

\- I was asked to give you the report from capitan Helian. - she said without any emotion in her voice. Tipical tranquil's voice. 

\- Ye..yeah. Thank you. - he answered after while, taking report from her hand.

He didn't realise that she was in Skyhold. Leliana should tell him that, if she know. But on the other hand, how could she know that Cullen know some random Tranquil? He looked at he. She was waiting for dismiss. 

\- How long are you here? - Cullen asked her. 

\- I'm here a minute. - She respond with the same empty voice. 

_ Tranquils and their literality. _

\- I mean how long are you in Skyhold. - he correct himself.  


\- I came with mages from Redcliff. - she answered. 

Redcliff? She was in Haven as well? And he didn't notice her? All this time, and He didn't see her anywhere? 

\- That is... all. Thank you again. - Cullen stammered. 

She nod this, and turn away, going to the doors, but she stopped, and look at him with smile, with devilish smirk on her lips. But this was only second. She get out of his office. That must happened in his head. She couldn't smile at him, she is tranquil. This is impossible! He stared at the door for few minutes. Does he have a hallucination? This is possible with lyrium withdrawal. Is he getting worse? This was small, but if he is going to have some serious hallucinations? What then? 

With this two reports he went to the meeting in the war room. They have to plan their next steps. Inquisitor said about this friend of Varric, it was Hawke. No one was surprised really. They making plans about Inquisitor's journey to Crestwood, to meet with Hawke's warden friend, but Cullen's mind was in different place. 

\- Commander? Are you with us? - Sigil Lavellan asked him with smile. 

\- Yeah. Sorry. Headache, nothing more. - simply answer. Lying comes him too simply, he noticed. 

 - Fine, I think that all. You know what you have to do. - Sigil announced, and he left the room. Josephine left room right after Inquisitor. 

\- Do you want something from me, Commander? - the spymaster asked.

Cullen realised in this moment that he was looking at her for a while. 

\- Yes... I hav... You... Ehhh... I want asking you to do something for me - Cullen finally decide to tell her what is going on. 

Leliana say nothing, she is waiting for more details, before she said yes or no. Cullen feels strange, asking Leliana to spy the Tranquil, this sound pointless, what tranquil can do? This is only coincidence, or his karma. 

\- There is... Tranquil in Skyhold. Woman, about thirty, black hair, pale skin, with Chantry's Sun on forehead. She claim that she came here with the mages from Redcliffe, but I'm sure she don't. - he said with little uncertain in his voice. He know that it sound crazy, accuse tranquil to lie. 

Leliana watch him carefully as he speaks. Analyzing everything what he said. If she have some thoughts on her mind, she don't show this anyway. 

\- Do you suspect She lied to you? Who is she? - Leliana asked, quite curious actually. 

\- I would notice her presence. She is... a echo from the past. - he answered with little break, for finding right word to describe it. He wasn't in mood to confessions. 

\- I see. If I find something, I let you know. - She said with little smile. - Is there something else I should know? - she added after few seconds. 

Cullen looked and her, he wasn't sure if he should tell her about that smile. That was crazier than telling that tranquil lies. 

\- No, that's all. 

After that, they both left the war room, and return to their duties. He put the great afford to concentrate on his work and don't thinking about that woman. After traning and meeting with his high rank soliders he return to his office. He sat to his desk, and notice his personal lyrium kit on the near shelf. Looking at this bring back his memories from the day, when he join the Inqusition. When he told Cassandra, that he will change his life, when he asked her to watch over him, when he will kick his addiction. Kinloch, Kirkwall... all this shit that happened in his life he had to change himself. He can't be the same person.... 

_I'M NOT THIS PERSON._

_ AM I? _

_ If someone told me, to hold the mage, to make him tranquil... would I say 'no'? _

The worst part is that he don't know the real answer.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this is readable :D If you enjoyed, leave kudos <3


	3. You may always remember me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She will be thorn from his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "The Fade you shall return  
> Each night in dreams  
> That you may always remember Me."
> 
> -Threnodies 5:9-5:10

_I won't let him forget me._

When she came back, she didn't have any purpose of her poor existence. She saw the breach in the sky, she show all that mess... but she feel like it isn't her case. Honestly. She saw demons on the felds, but she didn't care. It was until Erin came to the Inqustition camp in Hinterlands, there she heard about Inqusition, that they have alliance with rebel mages. That was quite interesting. She wanted to join, looking for something to do honestly. Her life was pointless, she hoped, that there will something to do. Then, she heard that "There are new orders from Commander Rutherford". Erin hated day when she met him. On begining she thought that is only convergence of names, but no. The more she heard about him, she was more sure that he is that templar from Kirkwall. She wanted to meet him, shout in his face what she thinks about him. But when she reach the Skyhold, and heard how this place is good for mages, that they are treated equal, that Commander standed between mage and templar and that kind of stuff. She get another idea to get her revange.

_I will be thorn from his past._

He look like he want escape from Kirkwall. No, that will be not so easy. Acting the tranquil was easy to her, after all... she officially was one of them, right? She wanted to see how he will look at her. Shock? Disgust? Guilt? Erin wanted to see the last of these. She want to see how he is killing by his own guilt. For all suffer that she had to survive. 

Skyhold is amazing place, fortress in the middle of nowhere, but it has charm. Garden is very peaceful and for the contrast the main place is the loudest place she's ever been. All because the soliders fighting and training. This place was amazing, but she isn't here to be impressed by Inquisiton. She want to meet her dear tormentor. 

First meeting was promising. She saw shock in his eyes, he was speechless, but that wan not enough for her.

_He will suffer as I suffered._

_***_

 That day Cullen was watching over training. Mages, ex-templars, soilders, volunteers, pilgrims... he didn't say no, if somebody want to learn how to fight. Mages was useful at te trainings. Soilders study how to fight with mages, they will have practise before the face Venatori.

\- Hey, you! If that was strong fireball, you would be dead! - he shouted at man, who don't find the cover.

If he was a templar, maybe he would have chance, but in this situation? Perma death, with no doubt. His soilders did progress from haven, but this wasn't still enough. If they must Face ancient darkspawn, THE magister from the Teviner, they must be perfect at combat skills. A lot work before him, and them. He sighed as he was walking between them. Watching carefully. Then one of the warriors started an argue with mage. There will be blood, if he do nothing. 

\- Enough! 

He standed between them, there was blood already. The mage was wounded. Wonderful. More talking with Fiona about mages. Wonderful, just wonderful. He take them away from the trainings, to hard talk. 

\- Sweet Maker, what are you two thinking? - Cullen asked angrily. 

\- He accused.. - mage started but was interrupted.

\- I?! You must me kidding me! 

And they started yelling about each other... wonderful. 

\- I said enough! - Shouted irritated by their behavior, he even didn't want to hear their excuses. - You, can you heal yourself? - Cullen pointed at the mage, he shake the head. He was no healer. 

\- Hi! Tranquil! You know something about bandaging? - warrior shouted at the girl, who pass by the training place. She looked at them. 

_She again. No, please no._

Cullen looked at her. She answered simply, that she know and she was starting to going away, but warrior asked her if she can do something with  moron's wound, because he will go to cry to mom. Erin agreed whitout word and come closer to them. She was his personal curse. How it was possible, she probably was here since Haven, He had never seen her before, and now they run into each other twice. That can't be coincidence. Black haired tranquil started to bandage the mage wound. It was nothing big, pobably paper cut was more dangerous. He looked at her, when she was doing her job, when the warrior started talking again. 

\- Hey, beauty. - he started with the smile, wanted to say something more, but she interupted him. 

\- I'm no beauty. My name is Erin. - answered simply with tranquil's voice. 

\- Erin! Wonderful name. - he complimented her, and the mage started to laugh. 

\- Honestly, you hit on Tranquil? You are more stupid that I thought - Mage laugh down the warrior's ingnorance. 

He looked at him, he know something about tranquil, but pobably not know how exactly all this is working. That tranquil don't feel nothing. She won't blush at his compliments, she won't smile when he say her something nice. She was just a husk of person, who was she before. And all this because him. He pull down her, he knew that she is innocent, but he did nothing about it. Cullen looked at her, her deprived of emotion words and moves. _Erin_... was thorn in his heart, she burning that wound. Cullen stoped listening them while ago, and again he started thinking about his past. The work always help him to survive the day, he was always foucused on his duties, but she was like  personification of all his past, all he hated. The mage, the tranquil... _shit -_ He noticed, that she finished her job, and he stared at her again. 

\- Thank you. - Cullen said to the tranquil, when she do her work. He tried to sound natural. 

Erin only noted, but she looked at him... with... with... Cullen didn't know how to discribe it. But he was sure, that she had some emotion in her eyes, but after sec that was gone and went away after that. 

\- You two. I see you in my office after training. Dismiss. - Cullen said coldly, and he returned to his duties. 

After the training, he returned to his office, where he must punish those two idiots. Nothing special, extra work to do. Maybe that will be enough. If not, he will think about something worse. After that to Cullen office came young elf, Commander recognised him as one of Leliana's spies. 

\- Afternoon Commander, Nightingale want to see you in her place. She has something for you, she said. 

\- Thank you, I will go to her immediately. - he answered, and like he said, he went to the top of the rotunda, to talk with Leliana. 

She find something interesting? She would not call him without the reason.  He is getting mad because this woman. She is like reminder, that he will never cut off his past. He can't move on if she is here! And lookin' at him this way. _She really looked at him, smiled? Or this is only my imagination?_ He cursed her in his mind. He want her gone. When he went upstairs, he saw Leliana standing in front of her desk, and looking at some... reports maybe? 

\- The messenger said, you have something important to me. - he said as the 'welcome'. 

Leliana looked at him, and sighed hard. 

\- You can say so. I do reaserch about that tranquil. - she started, moving the papers from one pile to another. - Her name is Erin Ridley, she was Senior Enchanter. Born in Geltberg, she was in Hossberg Circle by 20 years, after that she was transfered to Kirkwall. - Leliana mentioned general facts about that woman life. 

He has already known that she is from Anderfels, she has this quite weird, strong ander accent. Her name was memontied at training today. Nothing important, but he know this is only beginning, introduction to the rest informations. He looked at Leliana's papers that she was reading all the time as she was speaking. 

-...where Meredith accused her to practise blood magic, and made her tranquil. - the spymaster added and she glanced at Cullen, to see his reaction. 

He felt the lump in his throat. He didn't know what to say, so he said nothing, only watch and waiting for more information. Leliana sighed hard, she realised long time ago that Erin is not just random tranquil from Kirkwall. She was somebody more, but Leliana will no push on Cullen. He will tell her when he want. 

\- She was transfered to Ostwick after that... next is more... mysterious. - Leliana looked at the list on her hand. 

\- What do you mean? - he asked.

\- Few months before mage's rebellion, she was moved somewhere. And somebody tried hard to clean information about that. - she answered, and gave him few list of names. 

He looked at them cursorily. This was list of names people who lived in Ostwick's Circle, everyday list. He checked the tranquil part. Erin Ridley was on first list. 

\- This is from the last day she acctual was there. - Leliana said. 

He checked another list, and another. Erin was on every list. He looked at Leliana with confusion in his amber eyes. 

\- After that her name was added by somebody later, the atrament is diffrent and it is much newer than rest on the rest. - she explained. 

Cullen didn't know what to do with this information... it was something, but it wasn't enough still. Honestly he accuse tranquil for... something? This is so asurd. He sighed hard, and gave the lists to Leliana. 

\- Do you know where she was transported? 

\- No. The track breaks off. But I will search more. - She answered his question and looked at him. 

He looked tired, more than usual. She know about his nightmares, lyrium addiction and all of this, but there was something else this time. Erin. She was somebody whrom his past, she brang no good memories, she guess. 

\- Thank You. - he murmured.

\- You welcome... would you tell me, what is going on? - she finally asked, gave up to her curiosity and... she was worring about Cullen. 

\- I... I... this is so stupid, I'm getting mad, I think. Because Lyrium perhaps - he said after while. 

\- Why you think so? - her voice was serious, the Inqusition can't allow that their Commander go mad. 

She know about the deal between him and Cassandra, but she don't want substitute for Cullen. The soilders like him much, he has good reputation and he has many achievements. The morale would get low if soilders lose him. Maybe it was selfish, but she always think about the Inqusition first, secondly about the people. 

\- I could swear... that she smiled at me. Devilish smirk in fact. - He admitted. - And today I'm sure that she looked at me in hatred in her eyes. I'm getting mad, aren't I? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoyed leave kudos and comment <3  
> Next chapters will be longer as the real fun will start :P


	4. It's spiraling down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The obsession in middle of the night. 
> 
> **Warning - this chapter content scene of rape and scene of mental torture. If you want skip it, skip last two scenes wrote italics. **  
> (it is not very precise, not long with description of everything, but there is)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "It's spiraling down  
> Biting words like a wolf howling  
> Hate is spitting out each other's mouths  
> But we're still sleeping like we're lovers."
> 
> \- Daughter - Still

After meeting with Leliana, Cullen came back to his room. He was reading new reports from his scouts, nothing special. The supplies from The Fallow Mire, gold from caravan protection, but he had to read all of this, next morning on the meeting in war room he must tell Herald of the progression of establishment in new fortress. In the middle of reading, he felt terrible, dreadful headache. He hissed in pain, rubbed his forehead with his fingers. Things would be so easier if he took lyrium again. No headache, no pain, no nightmares. He would be better fighter against Venatori. Only  positives, right?

_No._

He sweared, that he cut off his past, no matter the cost. He will suffer if this is necessary... but sometimes he feels so weak, no matter how away he run, there always is something what brings him back to the Kinloch Hold or Kirkwall. No matter how much he is trying, there is always something. Or like in this case... someone.

_Erin._

Knowledge about her name wasn't helping at all. She stoped being some random tranquil, She has name now... she always had, but now He know it. Know that in the past her friends call her that name. Erin. Huh, did she have ever a nickname? That her friends call her. Probably not. Her name is short, and nice. Maybe they called her by her surname? Ridley. It sound nice too. But now this doesn't matter. She is only "tranquil girl". Some people probably calls her by her name, but to the most, she isn't ever person, she is... something. Meredith made her a thing. She torn away her from her humanity. No. He did this. He was there and he did nothing to stop this. He allowed this to happen. Even more! He helped, he hold her.

_ Maker, forgive me.  _

He... should tell the Herald about the lyrium. That was rough day... let's make it worse. He send the messenger to the Inqusitor Lavellan with meeting request if he have some free time. He came fast, faster than Cullen espected. He didn't have chance to prepare himself for this conversation. Gregor always was saying that he is too impulsive. _Think first, Cullen._ Yeah, something what he will never do. 

\- Commander - Sigil said as he came to Cullen's office.

\- Thank you for coming, Inqusitor. - he answered.

\- I was told, that you want meet me

\- As a leader of the Inquisition... You must know something. - Cullen started, and sighed hard.

That wasn't easy for him. To admit for his weakness. He was Commander, all Inquisition's Army was watch at him as the exemplar. He couldn't show any weakness, but Inquisitor must know that.

\- I'm listening - his voice was calm, he was patient.

\- As you may know, templar's abilities are effect of taking lyrium, that also bound them to the order and the chantry. - he answered, he wanted to continue, but he Inqusitor enter into his words.

\- Is something wrong with our lyrium supplies? - he asked, rised his eyebrow.

\- No, everything is fine. But... I'm no longer taking it. Since I Join the Inqusition. Few months now. - he admited.

Inqusitor was supried... even shocked. Nothing else Cullen was expecting honestly. Nobody tells you that they are on rehab everyday, right? Cullen couldn't look at Herald's face... he was afraid of his reaction. If Inquisitor degrade him, he will have no purpose in his live anymore.

\- Are you in pain? - he asked instead of accusing, that was not something that Cullen expected.

\- I... can endure. - Cullen answered after few seconds. - This is not he point. The Inquisition's army must take priority, I asked Cassandra to watch over me. If I will be unable too fulfill my duties, she will recomend a replace. - he added.

Inquisitor seems confiused for a while, he looked at Cullen. Maker knows what he was thinking about him now.

\- If somebody can do this, it is you. I trust Cassandra. - he told him, and smile a little, with compasion. Cullen thought that this was everything, that Sigil would go back to his own duties or something like that, but He was standing still in his office.

\- What symptoms do you have? - Sigil asked after while of silence.

Cullen looked at him, that question was unexpected. He thought that Inquisitor will leave after that confession, but he was interested? They weren't friends, or something like that. Their relation was mostly... business. He grunted. 

\- Mostly it is headache and pain. Little tired I belive. Nightmares. Insomnia. - he couted down his symptoms, he didn't mention hallucinations, that was... fresh. He wasn't sure about it, he prefered not say about it nobody except Leliana.  

\- Sweet maker - Sigil looked concerned. - Is there something that make you worse? Or something that we can do to help you? 

Cullen felt strange about this questions. He didn't get used to somebody worrying about him. 

\- There is no need. - his answer was short. 

\- Thank you for telling me. - Herald said as a way to say goodbye, and next he left Commander's office. 

 Rutherford still felt strange about Inquisitor's concern. He expected that he would be angry, that he didn't say him in day that he had become Inquisitor? Or something like that? He didn't expect that somebody will feel pity on him. He doesn't deserve that. All things that he have done in the name of the Order, the Chantry. He doesn't deserve concern. All this sufffering is his punishment for the sins.

After midnight, he came to his bedroom. He was tired, but he was not hurry, to go sleep. Nightmares can wait for him. He lied on his bed, and look at the hole in the roof. He could never find time to repair this. He hadn't seen Erin for the rest of the day, that was relief. It was impossible that she was here from Haven. He didn't see her even one time then, now they meet twice in few days. He would have recognized this raven black curly hairs and blue eyes from far, he was sure of that. She was getting his obsession.

_This is madness._

***

She lied down after all day, pretending and acting all day was more tiresome than she expected, but it was totally worth it. His eyes, when she was helping that guy. That was priceless.  Watching how he can't look at her, because the past is knocking on his door, and at the same time, he was staring at her, with indescribable mix of feelings. Erin has some ideas how make things even worse. But step by step. She didn't want that somebody firuge this out. Slowly moves, simple gestures. That was her key to success. She want to see, how much she can do, how much she can push him, what will be his rection. This revange was her obsession. He was her obsession. He will suffer as she suffered. She fell asleep, thinking about him, about this one night that she will never forget.

_\- Erin please, my love. Talk to me. - the templar looked at her._

_\- i'm talking. - she answered simply._

_\- No... say something, truly. From the inside._

_\- I don't understand. - she answered._

_\- My love... please. Say that you want me. - he pushed her at the table._

_\- I don't see the reason, please don't hurt me. - she answered with empty voice._

_The templar looked her like wolf watch his prey. He made her lied on the table in templar's armory, where she was cleaning the mess._

_\- If I did something wrong, I'm sorry. - she said, she was thinking that this is some kind of punishment that she didn't polish the swords yet, or something like that. But templar don't aswered at her words. He tear away her robe._

_\- My love. - he whispered to her ear._

_She did nothing, He is templar, this must be for her good. She lied motionless, as he was undressing himself. She didn't looked at him, her eyes was looking at the ceiling. But now, she saw this scene from third perspective, from the side. She saw, how this loathsome, repulsive, gross templar stands between her widely open legs, how he enter in her womanhood. His voices of pleasure, groans, grunts. She was looking at the ceiling, and she feels how he is moving inside her, but she feel nothing about him. No disgust, no hate... nothing. She didn't cry, she didn't scream. She was like wood logs. He came inside her, whispered some 'sweet words' to her ear, but she feel nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. NOTHING. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. _

She woke up in the middle of the night, buring her face into her hands. Another nightmare from the past. But she didn't feel terrified about it. No, no.. she feel anger. Hate. Cullen will pay for making her so powerless, for everything that she survived. He will pay.  


 

***

_ \- No, please. Stop. - he cried.  _

_ \- Cullen, sweetheart, you are in home. - said something with his mother's face. - Come, join us.   _

_ His family was eating a dinner. Simple one, simple soup. They weren't rich, on the contrary, but they were happy family. Mia was sitting and eating soup, she looked at Cullen and smiled.  _

_ \- Come on, It will cool down, and you will have to eat cold - she said, and little laugh on the end.  _

_ It was so real. Mom, Mia, Branson, Rosalie at the dinner. His mother even look tired as always, she has 4 kids to feed, she work hard since father die. It was so real... he moved to the table, and Rosalie smiled at him, he was sure it is real... for second.  _

_ \- No. You will no break me. I will be strong. - he cried and he knelt.  _

_ \- Blessed are they who stand before - he started the pray, when the deamon with Mia's face started to laugh at him. It was the most terrifying noice he ever heard. - The corrupt and the wicked and do not falter. - he said.  _

_ \- Ohh.. my sweet little brother. So stupid. - She smiled at him, and came close to him.  _

_ \- Blessed are the peacekeepers, the champions of the just. - he prayed, and deamon started to laugh again. This voice was making his heart weak, but he must remain strong, they will no break him.  _

_ \- Blessed are the righteous, the lights in the shadow. In their blood the Maker's will is written. - he continued. The deamon was listening him with terrible smile on her face, completely not matching to Mia's sweet face.  _

_ \- Maker? There is no Maker my dear brother. There is only you, and me... - she whispered to his ear.  _

_ The place that they were changed, it was again the circle. Blood was everywhere. On walls, on floor, on ceiling... on him. He looked at the dead bodies around him, he wanted to be one of them. He wanted to die. But this deamon will not let him to die. She has to much fun. She looked like... Erin now. She sit in front of him, and smiled. Smiled like that time, when she was leaving his office in Skyhold.  _

_ \- Hello Knight-Capitan. - She said with her empty tranquil voice.  _

_ \- Do you remember me? - She asked, digging silver knife in his arm.  _

_ \- Are you in pain? - her voice was still calm, when she spin the knife in his arm.  _

_ He was silent for while as she was torturing him, asking him about how he is feeling, but he couldn't.  _

_ \- Please, forgive me... I should help you, I should do something. Please, forgive me.  _

_ \- No. You will pay for what you done. - she answered with hatred on her voice and pull knife in his arm down.  _

He woke up in the middle of the night. He wiped sweaty forhead. Now she was hunting him in his dreams, wonderful. If it is he pay for his crimes in the name of the 'greater good'... he will pay it.  


 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoyed, leave kudos and leave the comment what are you thinking, I would be very grateful <3


	5. An unquenchable flame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More leads, more questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In your heart shall burn  
>  An unquenchable flame  
>  All-consuming, and never satisfied.
> 
> -Threnodies 5:1-5:8

Night was not merciful for him. Nightmares, panic attacks... it was getting worse, and worse. Sometimes he just lie on his bed and want to cry, but he can't. He have to move on, what was not easy at all. New person in his dreams was  a millstone round his neck. Cullen was pretty sure that he will meet her again today. She was always somethere, waiting for perfect time to show up, and pull him down. She was echo of everything that he want to forget. The times, when he was full of hatred, took every order from Meredith, even he knew that this was wrong. All of this in one person.

_Inquisition, must be priority. Remember that._

Commander was telling it himself all the time, when he tried to focus on his job. Trainings, reports, commands. He managed that in all of this day routine. Working gave him some calm, that was what he needed. Inquisitor Lavellan with Cassandra, Varric and Solas was on the road to place of meeting with Hawke's Warden Firend. They had to know what happened with all Wardens from Orlais. Knowing that their enemy is ancient Darkspawn change things. In Haven they did not put much attention on wardens disappearance, but Hawke told them what He did with Anders,  with Janeka and her squad. They couldn't ignored it now.

_First the templars... and now the Grey Wardens?_

He sighed hard on this thought. What would happened to him, if he hadn't met Cassandra in Kirkwall. He probably would be on the other side, stoned by red lyrium, listening the will of elder one. That was frightening, seeing that good people listening bad orders, and that single thought, that he could be one of them. If he did not meet Cassandra on his road, he would be now red templar. He recognised the writing, it was Mia's. He didn't open the letter still, he knew what he would find there. Allegations, complaints that he didn't write anything since... Kirkwall. But what he supposed to write to them? They don't know him. Cullen Rutherford that they knew died in Kinloch Hold. They wouldn't understand him, how they could? They don't know what he had to survive. His family don't know the man he became. He looked at letter again. Impuls, to open it. But then he heard doors to his office was opened. He looked at... Iron Bull? He was the last person he expected here. Cullen laughed, when he saw that Qunari must bend down to enter his office and don't catch the jamb.  


\- Cullen! How is going? 

\- I'm fine, working. Honestly, I didn't expect you here. Is there particular reason? Something with you company? - Cullen asked. 

\- Nah. Maybe a little. - Bull answered. 

_ That was...What is he planning?  _

\- Krem is thinking that I would not beat you in single combat. I'm here to show him, that he is wrong! - Iron bull laughed on the end.  


Cullen was shocked. _Whaaat?_ He looked at Bull with confusion. Bull added something before Cullen even answered previous one. 

\- I saw that Sigil ordered to make training area on the square. It is time to test it. 

\- Honestly, I think that there is easier way to reduce morale of yours Chargers. - Cullen answered, trying to sound natural. 

\- Ha! - Bull laughed hard on this one, that was good joke! - We'll see. On the noon at the main stairs. 

After that words, Bull left this office, still laughing. Cullen shook his head. That was ridiculous idea. Fighting with Iron Bull to prove who would win. Cullen hoped that he would never check this in real fight. But... it seems that he had no other way. Knowing the Bull there will be some onlookers. If he don't show up, that will mean that he give up. And that would reduce his own men morale. Maybe, it his time to practise something more, than regular traning. Fighting with Qunari will be good training. He started to like this idea, and he did not think by second that he can loose. His pride prohibited him to even think that way. He made necessary arrangements, and went to the training area. 

There was... crowd that he didn't expected. Did Bull tell everyone about it? Cullen looked at Leliana, who was standing with Josephine on the veranda. Taking the best seats to watch the fight. He looked at them with face asking "Do you not have something better to do?".  Leliana only smirked, but Jose wished him luck. Sweet maker, that was only training fight. On the wooden swords. Why did they treat this like fight to death? Cullen looked at Bull, who was standing at the ring, with two-handed practice sword. Cullen took the practice sword and shield. He didn't wear even any armor, only cotton shirt, trousers from his full armor and shoes. Bull had nothing on his chest, as always.  


\- I thought you will pass. 

\- Kicking ass of Qunari in front of everybody from Inquisition? Never. - Cullen smirked at him. Bull laughed again. 

\- You get cocky. 

Commander only smiled. He entered at the ring, forgeting about all audience they had. Focusing on the Bull and his movements. Cullen knew how Qunari warriors fight, but if they fight like Ben-Hassrath? He will see soon enough. Few first attack was test from the both sides. How the enemy will react. Simple, completly not dangerous hits. After that the real duel began.  Bull was strong, his hits even with practice sword could be dangerous, but Cullen was more agile. The small area was problem for them both. Bull couldn't charge, and Cullen had less space to avoid strong hits. Commander blocked one strong hit from Bull by shield, that was hard. For the moment Cullen thought that this wooden shield will break, but it don't. 

\- Nice. - Bull said, and he attacked again. 

Cullen was pushed to the defensive, but that's didn't bother him, he was looking for the good moment to hit, when Bull would be exposed. This moment came, when Bull decided to do mighty blow from above, Commander bypassed the blade, and tried to snatch the sword from Bull's hands, but his grip was too strong, so Cullen ended punching him in the face by his elbow. There was some blood from Bull's nose, but that was nothing. Cullen jumped away, and defended himself by shield. 

\- You get ponderous by siting in tavern all days. - Cullen commented, and smirked. 

\- I will show you my ponderous!

Bull charged after this words, the area was small, Cullen couldn't run from this, he didn't have time for this. Only took his shield in front of him, to avoid the Bull's horns. When he was on the ground, he felt terrible pain at all his back, but he started to punch Bull by shield, before he put his sword on his neck. Fortunately, Cullen managed knock him out of himself. He stand up quickly, but then he looked at crowd. That was mistake. In all this people, he must saw her. _Erin._ _What would tranquil...._ He didn't finished his thought, because Bull was on his feet again, and he was attack him. In last sec Cullen managed to avoid the fatal hit, and he put his sword by his tomb. With strength that he could put in this hit, and sharp blade, that would be fatal hit. Bull knew it. 

\- Damn you man. How I will show my men now? - Bull looked at Cullen, wiping blood from his face. 

\- You wanted it yourself. \- Cullen laughed, and after quick chat, he wanted to returned to his office, he stoped to wipe the sweat from this face using his shirt to this, then the Dorian show up. 

\- My my... what a spectacle \- he said. 

\- I would want to stay longer, but I have my duties. - Cullen informed, and he went to his office, by the road he was looking for Erin. What she was doing here? Why Tranquil would watch the 'spectacle', how Dorian took it. Maybe she only was walking by. Why always she was somewhere close? Slyhold was not that small to see someone like her everyday. 

 

***

Fiona walked by the mages' tower, looking for one girl. She should be here, but she wasn't. But Fiona knew that she would come here, sooner or later, so she wait. Whatever that girl was planing. Fiona risked her alliance with Inquisition for her, on the begining she was thinking, that wouldn't be much problem, but that day Leliana's man was asking carefully about the tranquils, and she was guessing, that had something with Her. No one cared about the tranquil, but with Erin nothing was easy. 

Ridley came to the tower, and she looked at Fiona with not-emotion-tranquil face. 

\- Grand Enchanter - she welcomed her and nodded. 

\- Erin, I want you to do something, please follow me. - Fiona was talking to her like to tranquil, which she officaly was. 

Erin nodded again, and walked with Grand Enchanter to the her private chambers. Erin could stop pretending, she looked around like she was looking for somebody to listen them. She sighed hard, and looked at Fiona. 

\- What is this about? - Erin asked with bored voice. 

\- You could tell me. What have you done? - she asked, trying to be calm. 

\- Nothing? I'm good actress, you know that. - Erin replied, shrugging. 

\- Then why Leliana's man was asking about you? Hm? - Fiona looked at her, she demanded truth. 

Nobody would ask about the tranquil in this way, as this man did. He must suspected something. Leliana must suspected something. That was sure, clear as sun. Fiona couldn't risk this alliance, even for Erin and all she did for mages. 

\- What? What did he ask? - Erin was shocked. 

\- About the tranquil, what I know about everyone of them, why are they were tranquil and that sort of thing. 

\- That doesn't mean anything. - Erin response was trivialized. 

\- He don't pretending even that he is looking for specific information... about you. - she told. - What have you done, that spymaster sent people to search information about you, huh? 

Erin pondered for a while. Commander Cullen, that must be his doing. Ohh that so sweet, he sent her friend to check about her? Ohhh How nice. That means that her plays had effects. She laughed short, and looked at Fiona. 

\- Nothing, little fun with someone from my past. I will be more carefull, I promise. - she wanted soften the Grand Enchanter, but Fiona looked at her with dissatisfaction. 

\- From the past? Please tell me, that this is not about Commander Cullen. - Fiona asked.

If Erin was toying with Commander... that was worse than she thought.  If everything will come out, about Erin, about Fiona, all this... _shit._ Inquisitor could consider twice if he needs mages longer. This was chance for all Mages across Thedas. Fiona couldn't risk everything for Erin. 

She didn't answered. But... no response is the best response. 

\- I did nothing. I only show up few times, I was playing tranquil. Nothing special. - Erin shurged. 

\- You did something, without reason he wouldn't ask Leliana to search about you. 

\- He is bothered that I'm here. I belive his own guilt is killing him when he see me. That is good. - Erin smirked. 

Fiona looked at her. She knew that Erin was made tranquil in Kirkwall Circle, but never suspected she had some conflicts with Commander. There must be something, without reason Erin wouldn't smile so devilish. 

\- Whatever are you doing, you must stop it. I would not put the alliance with Inquisitor at risk because of you. - Fiona's voice was strong, convinced. 

\- You wouldn't leave me. - Erin laughed in her face. 

\- Really you want test that? - Fiona started to get furious by Erin pride. 

\- Cullen will pay, I don't care that he is commander, he could be even king. He will pay. - She answered angrily and after that she left the room, wearing the tranquil's mask again. But then she saw someone on the end of corridor, runing away. _Shit._ That was all she thought by that moment, but when she reach this place, he was already gone. _Shit, shit shit..._

Erin came back to her room. She was angry. If that was someone from spymaster's men, and he heard her talking with Fiona... her plans can get fucked, before she even truly begin realise them. But... if she will play well, nobody should belive in his, right? Cullen saw her as tranquil, nobody will ever belive that she is not tranquil any longer. She had to play well by upcoming days, more carefull. When all this case become quiet, she will have her revange. Cullen was quilty everything that she had to survive. If he helped her that day, she would never have suffer that much. Every scar on her body, heart and soul... was made by his hand. Not directly, but this was his fault. All of this.  


The tranquility, the rape, the torture... she could tell and tell about all she have been through. And she blamed Cullen for everything. Even if he directly didn't done anything from this list, he could protect her. He was a templar! From she knew, they shouldn't be mages' executioners, but protect him as well. He did nothing when Meredith went mad, when she broke the law. He was guilty as Meredith was. _ The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. _She heard once. Even if Cullen was good man. He is evil because orders he took, and he will pay for this. No matter what. 

***

Leliana was in her office on the top of the rotunda, as always. Thinking about next steps for her people. She was looking through window, when one of her spies came to her. She did not look at him until he spoke. 

\- I  was spying Fiona, after small chat about Tranquils, that we had two days ago. - he starded, getting Leliana's full attention. She looked at him, waiting for some valuable information. She knew him. She knew that he didn't come with empty hands. 

\- She met with this... 'tranquil'. If she is a tranquil, I'm prince of Orlais. - he said with sarcasm in his voice.

\- What are you have on mind? - Leliana asked him to clearness his words. 

\- She has some... 'past' with our Commander I quess, she want revange on him. She sound like vengeful bitch, not tranquil one. Here, I wrote everything in report. - he gave her a scrap of parchment. Leliana nodded, and dismissed him. She started reading the report. First her thought was to sent assassin to take care of her, but then she realised on something. All that rumors about Mages' Rebellion... No. That can't be truth. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoyed leave kudos or comment ;3

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work on AO3, and first in english. I hope that will be readable. If not... I guess I will continue in my home language. I hope somebody give me some tips, and eventually correct my wrongs :P  
> 


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